Sunday, January 1, 2012

Spiritual Sunday - It's been a while

Whenever I disappear from the blog world, it seems like something is always going on. I just checked and it's been over five months since I've blogged. I'm sure most of you don't miss it as much as I do, but I always say - even though I talk A LOT, for every ONE thing I say out loud, there are TEN things I don't say. My mind is always racing.

Many of you know, for the last two months I've been struggling with mono. The disease seemed so harmless my whole life, until I found out, FINALLY, that it was my problem. I don't know if having it at an older age, makes it worse. Or, if it's the fact that I have a husband and two children and can't sleep my life away. Or, possibly my immune system is ravaged due to years of an autoimmune disease and anxiety.

The anxiety has been at an all time high. I hate it, and I need a miracle. I feel crazy sometimes. My mind can't just accept that my symptoms are due to mono and I have myself dead and in the grave every day. It's so overwhelming.

Well, I could go on about that, but today something happened inside me. Deeply. It's not that it has taken away my anxiety, cured my mono, or even made me more optimistic. But, it has given me truth to hold on to.

Today I went to church with my family. I didn't sleep well last night and was anxious this morning. I was trying hard to focus, but where I was sitting I had full view of faces of people I knew were struggling - with angst that should far surpass anything I am going through.

There was one woman in particular that I kept glancing at. Poise, beauty, strength, and faith. She is facing the biggest and most difficult journey of her life (if I may speculate.) I just kept looking at her and I just couldn't grasp how she seems to have such peace, even joy. At one point is seemed as if our eyes met and she smiled.

It broke me. I felt God speaking to my heart. He was saying - "You worry about nothing. You bring imaginary trouble to yourself and it causes your faith to teeter. You are healthy, and strong - and yet you can't trust that I am taking care of you. Look at this woman - who faces obstacles much larger than yours. Her faith is strong. Her spirit, peaceful. Her face shows true joy. Learn from this."

My fear steals the blessings God gives me every day - because I focus on them instead of the beauty that is in TODAY.

Even knowing this - I still want to fear all of the what-ifs.

But, I had the sheer HONOR of speaking with this angel of a woman today - and, both of us tearful, she  comforted me. SHE comforted ME.

I have so much to learn.

    25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[c]?
   28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
(biblegateway.com)

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this post!! It really does put things in perspective when I think of my anxiety and "problems". It is so easy to say that we trust God.....but quite another thing to actually do it and FULLY give our fears to him, as Josh and I have learned in the last few months!!

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